Alleged Sex Slaveholder in Custody
Goldberry in protective custody
Middle Earth Satire
Department of Civil Rights Investigating the Prancing Pony
Strange News from Bree
October 18, 3018
BREE. Innkeeper Barliman Butterbur vigorously denies that he committed a civil rights infraction, but the Department of Justice isn't drinking his ale.
“The record is clear,” says Mel Coors, lead prosecutor for the Civil Rights Division. “Mr. Butterbur committed a heinous
Boromir Statue Subject of Controversy
Belfalas Times
FA 198
OSGILIATH. Local community activists want Boromir's statue torn down, but they're getting resistance from his descendants.
“Boromir was the last captain to defend Osgiliath successfully before it fell to Sauron in the War of the Ring,” says Denethor IV, a descendant of
Legolas Canceled for Misappropriating Dwarf Culture
The Rivendell Review
July 18, 1702 (Shire Reckoning)
RIVENDELL. Local playboy Legolas has been canceled.
“He's the worst of misappropriaters,” exclaimed Pat Curunir, President of the Anti-Misappropriation League. “When he's east of the Misty Mountains, he misappropriates dwarf culture by acting like he's the
Fat-Shaming Hobbit Banned from Chicago Public Schools
The Chicago Herald
August 22, 2021
CHICAGO. Bombur the Dwarf has caused a big uproar in Chicago Public Schools.
Bombur is the creation of JRR Tolkien in his children's book, The Hobbit. He is one of the 13 dwarves who go on a quest with hobbit Bilbo to
Gandalf the Grey or Gandalf the Gay?
Ivy Tower News
August 4, 2021
BOSTON. Tolkien was a devout Catholic like President Biden. And like President Biden, he embraced homosexuality.
“It's pretty clear Gandalf was homosexual,” says Leonard Chadwick, Professor of Multicultural Studies at Enormous State University and noted Tolkien scholar. “Advances in Gay Studies, especially
Orthanc, Symbol of Patriarchy, Must Fall
The Rohan Rambler
SR April 1, 1592
ISENGARD. A fierce debate surrounds Middle Earth's most famous tower, Orthanc.
“It was built by men, to celebrate men, and to protect men,” says Dana Harad, of the Lesbians International Community. “It needs to come down.”
At the center of the
Aragorn and the Rangers or Dirty Mike and the Boys?
New York Gazette
August 28, 2021
NEW YORK. Cultural critics have grown outraged by the portrayal of Aragorn in JRR Tolkien's Lord of the Ring series.
“It's pretty clear that Aragorn is homosexual but Tolkien simply refused to admit it,” says Guy Chase, President of the
Scourging of Shire Scoured from YouTube
Silicon Valley Eye
August 1, 2021
SAN JOSE. A happy ending in JRR Tolkien's popular story turns out not to be happy after all.
At issue is a chapter known as “The Scourging of the Shire,” in which a band of hobbits (small, half-person creatures) kills and rebels
House of Elrond: “Lindir is Out”
“We have no room in our house for such invidious statements”
The Eriador Eccentric
Fourth Age 221
RIVENDELL. A random exchange with the legendary Bilbo Baggins has cost Lindir his position in the House of Elrond.
At issue is a half-joking exchange between the hobbit and the elf on October