Welcome to Drynuary
An abbreviated BYCU to kick-off the new year
The West gets sober this month. Sober January. Time to reset and to lose weight.
It might feel ennobling, but dukes and earls disdain pop fads. The truly noble need to embrace fads about as much as the Pope needs a bowling trophy.
Besides, the whole Drynuary thing is terribly outdated. Weight loss is what drives it. We're all fat and unhappy from weeks of sucking down processed food like a toddler set loose on a roomful of Skittles, so now we're ready get thin and happy.
But we don't need to get sober to do that.
We just need Ozempic.
Me? I hate Ozempic. I know it's evil. I don't, to echo the conspiratorial Candace Owens, "know know" it's evil, but I know it. I know it because I keep seeing those commercials of fat women sticking needles in their fat stomachs. Those commercials paralyze me every time, my brain twitching between scrambling for the remote and tearing my eyes out. That's how I know Ozempic is evil.
And the price is coming down. Fast. It was $499 a month. Now? You can get it for $25 a month. It won't be long until everyone has a constitutional right to it and the federal government must foot the bill. I gotta believe the legal team at Novo Nordisk is already preparing the test case.
But if you don't want Ozempic, maybe Dry January is the ticket. Nothing crams on the poundage, in the words of Kingsley Amis, than liquor.