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Conspirators Accuse Accusers of Being Conspiracy Theorists

Powerful people across the world are lashing back at critics who have noticed all the powerful people across the world seem to be involved in the same events and say the same things.

“These deplorables are just a bunch of tin foil hat-wearers shouting at the sky,” said Congressman Eric Swallow to several Big Tech CEOS in an email obtained by the Baltimore Examiner. “But don’t worry. We have ways of making sure they are never heard from again.”

What began as an innocuous series of gatherings held under every full moon, soon became a PR nightmare for all the senators, congressmen, representatives, governors, CEOS, CFOs, journalists, pop stars, actors, gangsters, dictators, clergymen, millionaires, billionaires, doctors, union leaders, scientists, economists, judges, law enforcement agents, United States President, and Twitch streamers, involved.

Critics have doubled down on their accusations despite many of their numbers disappearing under mysterious circumstances.

“You can’t hide the truth!” proclaimed megaphone wielder and re-platformed Twitter user, Lex Jonas.

“It is absolutely ridiculous that you think we would do something like this,” said White House spokeswoman, Carrie Jean Piper. “Sure, that thing we said last year turned out not to be true. Nor was that thing we said nine months ago. Nor was that thing we said six months ago. Nor was that thing we said last week . . . Oh wait, that last one hasn't been figured out yet. Anyway, what would we gain from deception? Besides total domination and control of your lives?”

When asked for comment, a spokesperson for pharmacy giant, Jonathan and Jonathan, wrote back in an email, “Would we ever lie to you?”

Disclaimer: A previous version of this article claimed that freedom of expression was under attack by the government and other powerful bodies. This error has been corrected and the author has taken a leave of absence to undergo Thought Corrective Therapy and Sensitivity Training