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original designer: Suzy Rice, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons

Disney is making a whole new Star Wars Trilogy. And that’s . . . just the worst news.

As a lifelong Star Wars fan, this is like watching your grandma’s grave desecrated, then watching the same people do it again . . . and film themselves doing it.

The first discretion: the newest trilogy.

With that opening out of the way, I bet you can’t guess how these rankings are going to go.

12. Episode IX: Rise of Skywalker

There are plenty of people who share my hatred of the newest trilogy. Most of those people, however, think that The Last Jedi was the worst.

I disagree.

Rise of Skywalker may legitimately be the worst movie I have ever seen in my entire life and I am not even joking.

I would rather watch CW shows with ugly actors[FN] than this disgrace of a film.

I would rather watch someone try to cut a dinner plate with a steak knife.

I would rather watch someone eat a live jellyfish.

I would rather… okay. I’ll stop.

But it’s so bad! I would write a whole article ripping into it, but I could not bare to watch it again to capture the finer points. Instead, I will just leave a few quotes here:

“Somehow Palpatine has returned.”

“Rey Skywalker.”

“I am all the Jedi.”

11. The Star Wars Holiday Special

Yes. George Lucas said he wanted to smash every copy of this with a hammer.

It’s still better than Rise of Skywalker.

Admittedly, I have not seen The Holiday Special in a long time, but I remember it was good for (unintentional) laughs and it gave us Boba Fett, which is cool.

10. Episode VIII: The Last Jedi

This film deserves every ounce of hatred it receives, and I don't know what the critics were inhaling to think this was a good movie.

I think the critics' inexplicable praise has deluded many Star Wars fans into thinking that it’s worse than Episode IX, which is metaphysically impossible.

I’m sorry the actress for Rose received so much hate. She did not deserve that. There is no one on the planet who could have made her character good.

This movie, for attempting to be subversive, was shockingly predictable.

Also, why wouldn’t that pink-haired lady (I’m not looking up her name) just tell them the plan?

Why did Princess Leia pull a Mary Poppins?

If the fate of the rebellion, and thus, the universe is at stake, why do we spend a half hour of the movie rescuing animals?

Why did Luke overturn his Original Trilogy character arc and try to murder a child in his sleep?

Why were the imperial guards swinging at nobody in the background of the final fight scene?

I have so many more questions and this movie provided zero answers. If you’re going to be ambitious, you can’t also be lazy, which is exactly what this movie was.

9. Solo

I barely remember what happened in this movie.

Something about sexual tension between Lando and a robot and at one point Han Solo speaks Wookie.

Also, it’s revealed that the Millennium Falcon flies itself (which makes Han Solo way lamer) and Han Solo had the exact character arc that he had in the original Star Wars.

His character work was precisely backward. He should have started off as an idealist only to become cynical as the movie proceeds.

This movie was just not very good all around, and it made Han Solo a worse character.

8. Episode VII: The Force Awakens

This is just a gender-swapped version of the original Star Wars but with way more shortcuts.

Rey establishes herself as good at everything and loved by everyone. She even defeats the main villain (who was admittedly wounded) in their first encounter despite zero training with a lightsaber.

There’s not much more to say except that this was movie was unoriginal and bland, but it at least did not feel like the writers were actively trying to destroy Star Wars (which is what episodes 8 and 9 felt like).

7. Episode II: Attack of the Clones

The prequels as a whole are interesting to me. There were so many things that they did well: Palpatine’s rise to power, many of the fight scenes, Ewan McGregor.

But they did so many things poorly.

Similar to how I view Rose, I do not blame Hayden Christensen for Anakin being such a bad character. I’d love to see Leonardo DiCaprio try to pull off “I don’t like sand.” I bet it would sound weird even for someone of his talent.

I do think the assembling of the Clone Army, Count Dooku, and Jango Fett were cool aspects of this film. But what ultimately sank it to the worst of the prequel trilogy to me is the love story between Anakin and Padme.

I have seen Arnold Schwarzenegger characters have better romantic sub-plots.

Overall, I’m nostalgic for this movie, but it’s objectively not very good.

6. Episode I: The Phantom Menace

Yeah, child-Anakin was annoying, but I have seen worse child acting… I think. Tack on Jar Jar Binks and I see why this movie is so hated.

But I’ll be honest, I’m kind of a sucker for Liam Neeson and awesome fight scenes. This movie provided both. I still go back and watch the Darth Maul versus Qui-Gonn and Obi-Wan fight scenes.

And John Williams, as always, absolutely nailed the score and introduced to the world “Duel of the Fates.”

I do think this movie retained much of the Star Wars magic even though they tried to kill the magic with Midichlorians.

5. Episode III: Revenge of the Sith

You likely expected this to rank as the best of the Prequels, but I do not think it’s as wide of a gap as people think.

Many times have I argued with other Star Wars fans about the demerits of this movie.

Of the three prequels, this by far had the worst start. Everything through the rescue of Palpatine was poorly done. The space battle was silly, the banter between Anakin and Obi-Wan was not funny and it took the tension away from what should have been some powerful moments, and even the fight scene with Count Dooku was mediocre.

Later in the movie, Palpatine fights four Jedi in what I think is the worst lightsaber battle of the first six movies.

And Anakin goes from “Don’t kill Mace Windu even though I hate him” to “I guess I’m slaughtering children now” in a matter of minutes.

Also, Padme died of a broken heart.

BUT past the first scene, this movie managed to keep the emotional stakes high, and it displayed some amazing fight scenes. I think my favorite scene was Order 66.

Overall, I think the flaws in this movie are greater than the flaws of the other prequels, but its merits were higher as well.

4. Rogue One

Lots of people love this movie. I think if it weren’t for that final scene of Vader killing the rebels, we would have mostly forgotten about it.

Even Donnie Yen, who I love, was merely fine.

But I thought the character’s sacrificing themselves at the end was powerful, and the rest of the movie was mostly solid.

3. Episode VI: Return of the Jedi

Now we’re to some of my favorite movies of all time: the Original Trilogy.

Starting off, predictably enough, we have Return of the Jedi.

I feel like in recent years, this movie has been increasingly hated, but I think that’s more because it began some of the tendencies that would go on to plague future Star Wars movies (misplaced goofiness and weird random species).

Maybe, I’ll admit, Ewoks weren’t the best choice to bring an end to the Empire, but I think they were cute and enjoyable.

This movie overall was just so much fun and the final fight, coupled with John Williams’s score, can get my heart racing every time.

Also, Ian McDiarmid was amazing as the Emperor.

2. Episode IV: Star Wars

The original is probably the most impactful movie ever made and for good reason. It is so good!

Many people complain about Luke’s whining, but I think it’s fitting that a nineteen-year-old who lives on a farm and whose friends have all left would be whiny. I think Mark Hamill did a fantastic job as did the writers.

It also spawned many “Stormtroopers are bad at shooting” jokes, but Princess Leia all but says that the Stormtroopers let them escape so they could follow them.

None of the retroactive criticism of this movie carries much weight for me unless you want to look at the geriatric first-ever lightsaber battle.

The trench run was amazing as were the character arcs. If not among the greatest movies of all time, this movie has to be among the most satisfying.

And this is all not even to mention how groundbreaking the special effects were.

Just an extraordinary movie and if you think it deserves to be one slot higher on this list, you have my respect.

1. Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back

This is my answer to the difficult question: “What is your favorite movie.”

It is pretty much perfect minus the incestuous kiss.

The battle on Hoth was so much fun.

The slow pursuit through the asteroid fields of the Millennium Falcon added a tense pace.

Harrison Ford has unmatched charisma and his and Leia’s love was everything Padme and Anakin’s was not.

Then of course there’s “I am your father” which is arguably the most famous movie line of all time.

I could go on and on about this movie and I would happily do a full article on the movie: it would give me a good excuse to watch it again.


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Michael Rodney writes at