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Self-Described “Activist” Wonders Why He’s Depressed


Photo by Warren Wong / Unsplash

Portland, Oregon: 32-year-old cashier and amateur “change advocate" Joe Thomas (he/him), sat staring at his computer screen. On the surface, Joe had everything: an up-to-date gaming computer and chair, his own dark bedroom at his parents’ place, Marvel memorabilia, pizza boxes from a black-owned business, weed, and subscriptions to Netflix, Hulu, Spotify, Disney Plus. and Pornhub.

So, it seemed strange to him that he could find himself fighting the existential question: What’s the point?

“I just don’t get it,” said Joe, his voice muffled through the three masks he frantically put on when he heard our reporters heading downstairs, “why do I feel as though I am wasting my life?”

This was not the first time he encountered this question. In fact, it first occurred to him when he was 13 years old. After that first encounter, he devoted himself to trying to sound smarter than everyone else.

From that day forward, Joe, who has logged 32 steps today, would turn to the internet to find people who agreed with his point of view or people performing acts to which he could masturbate. In his passionate moments, these were often the same.

He would later go to the University of Oregon where he would find all sorts of causes to get angry about.

After six years, 146 protests, and switching majors four times, Joe, who had to throw away his rainbow flag because it was not inclusive enough, eventually graduated with a degree in creative writing, which he utilizes by writing slogans and calling people "Nazis" on Twitter.

During his late twenties, he faced adversity when his parents told him he needed to get a job if he were to continue living with them. Joe, whose best friend is his cat, used his parents’ demands as an opportunity to oppose capitalism and the patriarchy by getting a job as a cashier at his dad’s furniture store.

Despite these achievements and his Reddit gold reward, Joe, who has never been on a date, still felt empty inside.

“Maybe it’s climate change,” Joe, who complains about babies on airplanes, mused, “or systemic racism. Surely, it’s not because I spend my entire life campaigning for things entirely outside my control while changing nothing about my personal habits to positively impact the world.”

At press time, Joe, who woke up at 2 PM today, decided his depression was due to him being the wrong gender.