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Nation Shocked to Learn Hollywood Still Has Writers

Photo by Jake Blucker / Unsplash

As news of the Hollywood writer’s strike reached the headlines, people around the world were speechless and wondered how such a thing could happen.

“You mean, someone is actually writing this stuff?” exclaimed Robert Smith, an accountant outside Cedar Rapids.

His sentiment was echoed by many who marveled and feared the idea that there were writers responsible for unleashing all the vapid scripts on the world.

When asked how they thought movies were written, there was a diversity of assumptions that varied across geographic, generational, and ideological backgrounds.

One popular theory was that the movies were written by computer programming: “I thought these scripts were being written by old Artificial Intelligence software from 2011,” said 31-year-old, Michael Dawson, “How else do you explain the combination of soullessness and incoherency?”

“Mad-Libs,” said 89-year-old Susan Sinkelvinski, with a paper in her hand, “I play them with my grandkids. In fact, they even started making their own based on the Disney movies they have been watching. Look at this one my 9-year-old grandson made!”

She held up her paper to our interviewer. On it read:

“(Popular Movie) but with (Racial Minority) instead.”

Photo taken by: Michael Rodney

“I didn’t think it was writers,” said MAGA-hat wearer, Brian Thomas, “so much as gender studies professors dumping their woke lectures into Hollywood movies.”

“I didn’t think it was writers,” said Harvard gender studies professor, Professor Siona Tyer (Cah/Kee), “so much as MAGA-hat wearers presenting our views in such a bland and unoriginal manner so as to make fun of us.”

While the news of a strike so untalented and easily replaceable was met with amusement by most people, some, however, were more dire in their reaction:

“What kind of god would allow such writers into the world?” said now-Atheist, Christa Hawkins.

“The Devil does not make his own clay,” said theologian, John Ronald, “but rather they take the clay that is true, good, and beautiful and they twist it so that it is false, bad, and ugly. I thought demons were doing this directly by remaking good movies into modern ones. May the Lord save those whom demons have possessed to write these scripts that are the vomitous remains of what was once art.”

“These writers are the conduit and consequence of the fall of a once great civilization,” added 5-year-old, Andy Chis after watching an episode from a newer season of Spongebob Squarepants.

“These writers are an Avengers-level threat,” said 24-year-old Liam Gordon before catching himself, “Wait! Please don’t make another Avengers movie!”