I'm Tellin' Ya, this Newest Teetotalling Movement is Bogus, Man

Ah, alcohol is bad for one's health. That argument has been around longer than my average pair of underwear. It's every closeted Prohibitionist's favorite argument. Mencken waged war against the idea many times.

The alcohol myth is such a bugaboo. The sort of man it scares is the sort of man whose chief mark is that he is scared all the time.

It took science well over 50 years to catch up with Mencken's observation here. The left hemisphere is constantly vigilant for anything that could wrench its control. This constant vigilance enflames the amygdala, which is why we're a society of doofuses who get scared all the time.

The Left Hemisphere Makes You Afraid

The seven cardinal sins have shaken and shimmied ever since Evagrius—or maybe Origen, who knows—first jotted them down in some dusty desert hole.

Eric Scheske's Outside Modern LimitsEric Scheske

It's hardly surprising that the Left Hemispheric Empire (that's what America is, btw, if you haven't realized it yet) implemented Prohibition and is now undergoing a neo-Prohibitionist moment. Only half of American adults drink alcohol (down from a high of 71%).

I have no problem with folks who quit drinking for the right reasons. Recovering alcoholics, for instance. Or aspiring mystics who want something more than the amateur mysticism served up on Friday after the work week. Or fourteen-year-olds getting in shape for their first year of high school football. All fine.

Heck, I've considered giving up booze a few times myself, albeit always in the throes of the Nasty on Saturday morning.

I've also grown moderate in my drinking.

For young people, I think alcohol stimulates the mental life (by throttling back the young person's always-overactive left hemisphere), but for older adults? It hobbles. Of this, I have little doubt. A drunk old person has less memory than a three-year-old after smoking a joint, and it's kinda ugly, like when a drunk older woman tells the waitress the table is ready to place its order ten minutes after the table has placed its order. Me, I don't wanna be that retard, and I definitely don't wanna grease the skids of cognitive decline more than I haffta just to get through this vale of grind, so I moderate.

But moderation ain't abstaining. In fact, they're opposites. Abstention is alcohol abuse's brother: they both take an immoderate approach.

But now science is telling us abstention is the path. I don't believe it.

All Alcohol is Bad for You, Until It’s Not

Scientists can’t draw a circle any better than a retard using his left hand. In fact, they’re worse at it. He can at least make curves. Scientists? Their only tool is the straight line.

The Daily EudemonEric Scheske

Just wait a few years. The science will change, and we'll end up where the Judeo-Christian tradition has long landed us when it comes to the topic of alcohol: It is healthy, it is the spice of life . . . if enjoyed in moderation.