All Alcohol is Bad for You, Until It's Not
Scientists can't draw a circle any better than a retard using his left hand. In fact, they're worse at it. He can at least make curves. Scientists? Their only tool is the straight line.
Dr. Lefty Hemifear has weighed the evidence and reached a conclusion: All alcohol is bad for you.
The glass of red wine after dinner? Shill conclusions from Madison Avenue. A few belts of whiskey to unwind after a long work week? Redneck heroin.
It's all science, so it's all fact.
Until it's not.
You know who'd really benefit from demonizing alcohol? The pharmaceutical companies.
Satan.
The Satans are already attacking alcohol. The GLP-1 drugs are killing people's impulsive behaviors, including the need to have a few whacks of the good stuff before the in-laws arrive.
How many more drugs could the Satans develop and sell if they made everyone afraid of tradition's favorite way of making this vale of tears a little less sad!
So I'm guessing the studies will continue to roll out.
It started about ten years ago, it seems, when I heard that more than seven drinks per week is bad for you. Then that number came down to four per week. Then two. Now zero: more than zero drinks per week, and you're heading for Zombie Land without a double-pump shotgun.
That's been Dr. Andrew Huberman's progression. He ain't no Establishment hack. He gives it straighter than Viagra after a large can of Red Bull.
But Dr. Lefty Hemifear? He gives it even straighter. Too straight. So straight, it's crooked.
He dials in the science more and more, taking one little line of fact and blockchaining it to another little line of fact, breaking the little lines down more and more, then he wraps them around and connects the ends to come up with something resembling a circle.
But it ain't a circle. It's a shit-ton of tiny lines pasted together and wrapped around to look like a circle from a distance, but when you look close, you see it's all f'ed-up.
That's because Dr. Left Hemifear can't draw a circle any more than a virgin can do high-grade work in a whorehouse.
But damn, he wants to square that circle. He loves squares like squares love sobriety. Squares are easy, squares are efficient.
But they're not circles.
Individual facts are square. Full reality is circular.
Everything is ultimately arc and curve.
That's why the science will one day vindicate alcohol, at least in moderate amounts, which is what tradition has always celebrated.
Right now, Dr. Lefty Hemifear is breaking down the facts into smaller and smaller units, trying to put together the full circle that he's already concocted in his mind: all alcohol is bad.
He won't succeed. At some point, reality will catch up. It generally happens about 20 years after the science delivers one of its f'ed-up circles for mass consumption. That's when the next generation of scientists looks at the long-term effects of applying the f'ed-up circle to our lives, discovers that people who continued moderate consumption are actually healthier than those who went full-on Baptist, and starts writing papers that explain why the circle is f'ed up.
That's when the previous generation of scientists excoriates them and tries, with the help of the Satan endowment money, to deny them tenure.
It's all coming.
Don't fall for Dr. Lefty Hemifear's straight-line conclusions. Get ahead of the curve with a drink after work tonight.