Ten Catholic Drinking Costumes Guaranteed to Impress

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Halloween lands on the weekend! Far out. If you have costume parties to attend, and you want to embrace your Catholicism, and you want to embrace the (drinking) weekend, I have ten great ideas.

The Liberated Nun, circa 1518

This one might be hard to set up with your crowd, so you may want to limit it to a small setting. The point is, to look like a drunken tart, without the moral sensibilities that continued to persist in Protestantism after the Reformation. Of course, you could go for the Munster Anabaptist look, which would pretty much blow wide open your options.

The Liberated Nun, circa 1970

This one is great fun. And simple. You just need a pantsuit, a dainty glass of wine, and an annoying air of complacency.

The Drunken Monk

Go for this look.

You’ll have to give yourself a tonsure, which kinda sucks if you’re trying to pick up chicks. Then again, you can forego the tonsure and point out that you’re not a medieval monk and that the tonsure was banned by Paul VI in 1972.

The Chesterton

Okay, you might need a fat suit for this one. If you don’t, well, good luck with your doctor at your annual physical.

To pull this one off otherwise, put on a cape, carry a swordstick, tousle your hair, grow a mustache, laugh uproariously, and drink enormous amounts of wine or beer.

And oh yeah, no matter how drunk you are, continue to be brilliant.

The Belloc

Hold a large glass of wine and a scowl. Be nice to the Catholics. Be a dick to everyone else. Talk about how Whig history sucks and H.G. Wells is a real ass.

On the Road

This one has the greatest potential of all, especially if you don’t mind lapsing into mortal sin.

Jack Kerouac was a Catholic. You just need blue jeans and a white sweatshirt. You then smoke a lot of weed and drink margaritas. Pop Benzedrine, if you have any.

Talk a lot about the road, scoring with chicks, and the Beatific Vision.

The Sebastian Flyte

Brideshead Revisited might have been the greatest Catholic novel ever written. Why not dress like Lord Sebastian Flyte, get uproariously drunk, and be queer? It’s a lot of fun, at least until later in the evening when the gays in the room forget you’re just acting.

The JRR

This one is easy: get ugly-drunk as an orc. If you want to spice it up, admit there are no orc women and, well, your interlocutor can reach whatever conclusions he wants about your sex life (wink, if able).

The Knight

The Knights Templar were known for producing Commandaria, a dessert wine. The outfit is easy: white cloak, big red cross. Put a sword in one hand and a glass of Commandaria in the other (but good luck drinking a lot of that stuff).

Added possibility: complain bitterly that the allegations of heresy that resulted in suppression of the order were fabricated so Philip IV could escape his debt to you (and if you’re inclined, mentioned that TDE has a theory that all the ills of the modern world can be laid at the feet of Philip IV). And with respect to the sodomy allegations? Wink, if able.

The Benedictine

This is just like the Knights Templar but no red cross and no sword (but also need a white hood). Instead of the obscure Commandaria, carry champagne. They pioneered it; their Dom Perignon improved it.

Repeatedly take sips from your glass and exclaim every time, “Brothers, come quickly. I am drinking stars!” Then explain that’s what Dom Perignon supposedly said when he tasted his first batch of greatly-improved sparkling wine. Do this every time you take a sip. It never gets old. Caution: Brace for a massive hangover.