Category: Satire

Alleged Sex Slaveholder Tom Bombadil in Custody

Goldberry in protective custody

October 4, 3018

Where the Old Forest meets the Great East Road

THE OLD FOREST – Police claim to have apprehended long-suspected kidnapper Tom Bombadil.

Police have long sought to apprehend Bombadil for the alleged kidnapping and detention of Goldberry Riverdaughter.

“Bombadil has long been a person of interest in the disappearance of Goldberry,” said Lieutenant Buckwater. “Numerous witnesses over the years have come forward, saying Bombadil is holding her in his realm.”

Police, however, could never confirm that Goldberry and Bombadil were living together, until a lead broke in late September 3018. Bombadil accompanied four hobbits outside his lands to the Great East Road, where a bystander heard him say, “Tom has his house to mind, and Goldberry is waiting.”

The exchange was reported to the police, who immediately obtained a search warrant for Bombadil’s lands and found Goldberry.

“We can’t provide any details,” said Buckwater, “but we can confirm that Goldberry insists she was not being held against her will. We have our doubts, however.”

Gail Riel, a psychologist at Oxford University, said it sounds like Stockholm syndrome.

“Bombadil is widely-known as a master manipulator,” said Riel. “Even Gandalf has alluded to Bombadil’s great mental powers. It’s definitely believable that, after such a long period, which no doubt seemed literally like ages, she told herself she wanted to be with him, but was really there against her will.”

Neighbors, … Read the rest

Pressure Mounts on Tolkien Estate to Finish Legolas-Gimli Tale

LGBTQI+: “It’s time to make explicit what everyone has always known”

July 25, 2021

PORTLAND – The greatest love story of Middle Earth has been repressed long enough.

So assert members of the LGBTQI+ Tolkien community who believe the love affair between Legolas the Elf and Gimli the Dwarf needs to be finished.

“Tolkien struck a bold blow, not only for gay love but for inter-species love,” says Jay Martin, President of the Portland Gay Love Association. “In Legolas and Gimli, you have the ultimate ‘love is love’ symbol that breaks all boundaries, codes, and repressions.”

Critics say it wouldn’t be proper to change the Middle Earth oeuvre to meet contemporary fads.

But Martin and others disagree.

“First off, it’s not a fad. Gay love is now accepted in all quarters, by all people. Second, inter-species love is progressive.”

Others note that Tolkien’s son, Christopher Tolkien, finished other tales that his father’s death left undone, so they aren’t asking for anything new.

“Middle Earth had a Fourth Age,” says Brad Cupich, professor of literature at San Jose State University. “It probably had a Fifth Age, too. Those tales haven’t been told, but there’s no reason they can’t be. And when they are, they’ll be inclusive of all people and all species.”… Read the rest

Department of Civil Rights Investigating the Prancing Pony

Strange News from Bree

October 18, 3018

The Prancing Pony has been closed, pending investigation

BREE – Innkeeper Barliman Butterbur vigorously denies that he committed a civil rights infraction, but the Department of Justice isn’t drinking his ale.

“The record is clear,” says Mel Coors, lead prosecutor for the Civil Rights Division. “Mr. Butterbur committed a heinous act of discrimination.”

At issue is the following statement by Butterbur: “No black man shall pass my doors, while I can stand on my legs.”

“By any measure,” said Coors, “this is a case of racial discrimination and we intend to seek full redress.”

Butterbur refused to comment, but his attorney, Ron Leonard, said it was just a misunderstanding. “I can’t go into details,” said Ron, “but I will say my client was not referring to black men. I mean, he was referring to black men, but not to black men.”

Butterbur made the statement on September 30, 3018, to four guests who were staying at The Prancing Pony. The guests, by all accounts, had been drinking heavily and enjoying themselves in the all-white establishment. The festivities apparently carried over after hours to one of the guest’s rooms, where Butterbur made the statement.

Officials are also investigating whether Butterbur violated the Disabilities Act and engaged in hate speech by privileging “standing” and “legs.”

“The implication,” said one authority who didn’t want to be named, is that … Read the rest

Legolas Canceled for Misappropriating Dwarf Culture

The Rivendell Review

July 18, 1702 (Shire Reckoning)

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

RIVENDELL – Local playboy Legolas has been canceled.

“He’s the worst of misappropriaters,” exclaimed Pat Curunir, President of the Anti-Misappropriation League. “When he’s east of the Misty Mountains, he misappropriates dwarf culture by acting like he’s the lead orc killer. When he’s in Gondor, he acts like he’s one of the [expletive] Noldor, which clearly he’s not.”

The video, she says, is clear in this regard, and many agree with her.

“We have over ten hours of footage,” says video blogger Keel Azog, “showing Legolas taking over the dwarves’ main role in The Hobbit, and then in other circumstances, acting like he’s a high elf. It’s really quite shocking.”

Legolas is a Sindar elf, a descendant of elves who declined to take the Great Journey to Eldamar in the First Age. The Noldor are great elves who undertook the Journey but returned to Middle Earth in the First Age in a crusade of aggression against the indigent peoples of Angbandian Civilization.

“Look,” says Curunir, “I applaud inversion of the dwarf-elf binary, and I hate the Noldor and their power of highest privilege, but that don’t give no one the right to misappropriate their cultures for profit.”

Legolas, it is estimated, has earned enormous sums from the LoTR franchise, possibly as many as 1,000 ounces of gold, 100,000 ounces of … Read the rest

Tolkien’s Beorn New Symbol of the LGBTQI+ Movement

Golden Bear Gazette

July 21, 2021

SACRAMENTO—A huge werebear created by JRR Tolkien after WWII has become the improbable emblem of the LGBTQI+ movement.

“He’s just perfect,” says Bruce Byrnes, local gay community activist. “He’s a bear, but he’s a man.”

Beorn is a fictional character who helps the dwarves in their quest that forms the plot of Tolkien’s The Hobbit. He was a man who transitioned into a bear at night.

“The symbolism is all there,” says Byrnes. “He transitions into a bear at night to kill goblins. The parallel to gay men living straight lives during the day and then trolling the bathhouses at night to find love is pretty obvious.”

Byrnes says Beorn also lived in a superstructure that forced him to anthropomorphize, just like gay men are forced to act straight. “Beorn was a bear, but the power structures of Middle Earth made him appear as a man during the day. He had to hide his bearness under the cover of night.”

“The gay community’s embrace of Beorn is instructive,” says Quinlan Feanor, a philosophy professor at Chico State University. “The father of deconstructionism, Jacque Derrida, promoted undecidables: things that can’t fit into one category, like zombies (the living dead). Beorn is an undecidable, like so many who live on the spectrum of sexuality.”

Byrne enthusiastically agrees. “Beorn is completely undecided! That’s what makes him so erotically luscious.”

“Bear” is … Read the rest