Category: Satire

House of Elrond: “Lindir is Out”

“We have no room in our house for such invidious statements”

The Eriador Eccentric

Fourth Age 221

RIVENDELL—A random exchange with the legendary Bilbo Baggins has cost Lindir his position in the House of Elrond.

At issue is a half-joking exchange between the hobbit and the elf on October 24, 3018 during a party.

“Approximately 230 years ago,” said a spokeself for the House of Elrond, “Lindir and other elves who had been drinking criticized a poem that Bilbo had composed with the help of Lord Aragorn. In the ensuing argument, Lindir told Bilbo that all mortals look the same.”

Others say that the statement was actually much worse.

“What he said exactly,” said one elf who was there that evening, “is that hobbits and men all look alike to elves, that they’re all like sheep, and that elves have more important things to consider.”

Regardless of the actual content, the statement has resulted in Lindir’s ouster.

“We have no room in our house for such invidious statements,” said a Rivendell spokeself.

Lindir declined comment, saying only, “Things haven’t been the same since Elrond departed from the Grey Havens.”

Photo by Nick Fewings on UnsplashRead the rest

Newest Candidate in Minas Tirith City Council Election Stirring Debate

Anfalas Times

Fourth Age 165

MINAS TIRITH – Saul Khand’s entry into the City Council race against incumbent Jack Imrahil has a lot of people excited.

“I think it’s great that a black man is finally breaking the white patriarchy in Gondor,” says supporter Lucy Fell.

Others agree.

“Gondor has long celebrated maleness and whiteness,” says Sal Nurn, Professor of Anti-Binary Studies at Eastfold University. “Khand’s viable entry into the Council race is a breath of fresh air.”

Conservatives, though, disagree, pointing out that Khand immigrated from Harad, which relatively recently was the sworn enemy of Gondor. Many of its leaders fought to the death after the Battle of Pelennor Fields rather than peacefully surrendering.

“We don’t,” says Imrahil, “need a naturalized citizen from Harad in a position of power, especially one who is rumored to belong to a Sauronist party.”

Others dismiss the Sauronist party rumors.

“There is no Sauronist Party,” says Fell. “There’s not even a Sauron. It’s time to move beyond logocentric-driven binary thinking that asserts a ‘Sauron’ to elevate the idea of a white patriarchal Valar. And it’s certainly time to dismiss such things in a modern political election.”

The election is next month, on Blotmath 3rd (by the Shire Reckoning). Poll watchers expect a tight race.… Read the rest

Aragorn and the Rangers or Dirty Mike and the Boys?

New York Gazette

August 28, 2021

NEW YORK—Cultural critics have grown outraged by the portrayal of Aragorn in JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Ring series.

“It’s pretty clear that Aragorn is homosexual but Tolkien simply refused to admit it,” says Guy Chase, President of the New England Gay Club.

“Aragorn and his Rangers almost certainly vented their sexual needs through homosexual activity when patrolling the northlands after the fall of Arnor,” says Chase.

Some think Tolkien’s Catholicism didn’t allow him to see it.

“I’ll be blunt: Tolkien was a devout Catholic, which is pretty much the same thing as being a Fascist,” says Algernon Roth, literature professor at State College of Newark. “If he weren’t so Catholic, he would’ve realized the characters he created were gay.”

Chase agrees. “All the elements for a booming gay subculture were there. Aragorn and the Rangers congregating at the Prancing Pony? Come on. That’s just one step removed from The Other Guys’ Dirty Mike and the Boys.”

Some expect gay redemption in Amazon’s upcoming Lord of the Rings series that revolves around the Second Age of Middle Earth.

“Amazon’s series is going to emphasize Numenor,” says Chase, “which in its developed stages celebrated sexuality. I think it’s going to get fun.”

Photo by Gioele Fazzeri on UnsplashRead the rest

Fat-Shaming Hobbit Banned from Chicago Public Schools

The Chicago Herald

August 22, 2021

CHICAGO – Bombur the Dwarf has caused a big uproar in Chicago Public Schools.

Bombur is the creation of JRR Tolkien in his children’s book, The Hobbit. He is one of the 13 dwarves who go on a quest with hobbit Bilbo to slay a dragon and claim his treasure. He is also, Tolkien makes clear, very fat.

The Chicago School Board finds it unacceptable and has ordered the book removed from classrooms. 

“Throughout the book, Bombur is repeatedly the butt of jokes and referred to as ‘fat,’” says School Board member Alice Bridges. “It’s simply not healthy for our children to read such things.”

Tolkien’s legion of fans is outraged.

“Bombur was fat,” says Alfred Newmyn, President of the Suburban Chicago Shire Club, a group dedicated to celebrating Middle Earth, “but he was courageous and part of the team. It’s not a case of fat-shaming, but simply character development. Each dwarf has his own personality and traits.”

But the School Board isn’t budging.

“Tolkien wrote in a different time, before we moved beyond weight stereotyping,” says Bridges. “We don’t need our children to read about a fat dwarf moving slowly or being less healthy than the other dwarves. It just reinforces negative stereotypes.”

(Photo by Madalyn Cox on Unsplash)… Read the rest

Boromir Statue Subject of Controversy

Belfalas Times

FA 198

OSGILIATH – Local community activists want Boromir’s statue torn down, but they’re getting resistance from his descendants.

“Boromir was the last captain to defend Osgiliath successfully before it fell to Sauron in the War of the Ring,” says Denethor IV, a descendant of Boromir’s brother, Faramir. “His statue was erected by Aragorn in honor of his memory and needs to stay.”

Others, however, strongly disagree.

“The very name ‘Boromir’ is a pointed symbol of binary thinking, which is violent,” says Piers Melkon, President of the Osgiliath Project of Love.  “Boromir is the arch-pole of patriarchy. His symbol celebrates the subordination of everything opposite of white men: womyn, orcs, people of color in Harad and Khand.”

Over the past nights, Osgiliath police have established a perimeter around the statue to protect it from protestors, leading to numerous clashes and a few casualties.

“Boromir was all about power and violence,” says Melkon. Our culture is about love and acceptance. We will yank his statue down and pulverize it.”

Critics have noted that the protestors come out only at night, a sign that the protesters themselves are ashamed of what they’re doing.

“That’s absurd,” said Melkon. “The simple fact is, many of our troops are orc descendants and are sensitive to sunlight.”… Read the rest

Gandalf the Grey or Gandalf the Gay?

Ivy Tower News

August 4, 2021

BOSTON – Tolkien was a devout Catholic like President Biden. And like President Biden, he embraced homosexuality.

“It’s pretty clear Gandalf was homosexual,” says Leonard Chadwick, Professor of Multicultural Studies at Enormous State University and noted Tolkien scholar. “Advances in Gay Studies, especially in the fields of literature and sexuality, have established this beyond the point of debate or disagreement.”

Critics point out that Tolkien himself wasn’t gay and added virtually no sex to his stories, much less gay sex.

“That just proves the point further,” says Chadwick. “By favoring no kind of love, he advocated all love. ‘Love is love’ would’ve been his motto if he were alive today.”

Chadwick has lectured extensively on the subject.

“I’d need hours to recount all the gay parallels,” says Chadwick, “but here are just the more obvious ones: his ‘captivity’ at Orthanc that postponed his arrival at the Shire, which was pretty obviously just a prolonged S&M tryst; his enlightened (‘Istari’) status; his exclusive male company, starting with the other four male wizards.”

Critics of this point of view say Gandalf’s arch-enemy, Saruman, adopted the colors of the rainbow when he came under the spell of Sauron.

Chadwick dismisses the criticism as “anachronistic.” “Besides,” says Chadwick, “Tolkien never referenced the rainbow. He merely said Saruman of many colors.”

Chadwick will present a lecture entitled “Gandalf the Gay!” at Rhone Auditorium this … Read the rest

Orthanc, Symbol of Patriarchy, Must Fall

The Rohan Rambler

TA 2851

aerial photography of rock formation
Some think a flatter, more vaginal-look, Orthanc would be better. Rendition above (by Ian Beckley on Pexels.com)

ISENGARD – A fierce debate is raging around Middle Earth’s most famous tower, Orthanc.

“It was built by men, to celebrate men, and to protect men,” says Dana Harad, of the Lesbians International Community. “It needs to come down.”

At the center of the debate rests the mixed legacy of Numenor, whose aggressive descendants conquered and subjugated many of Middle Earth’s indigenous peoples.

“I think we all know Gondor built it,” says Harad. “Can you name one lesbian or even one woman in Gondoria history? I can’t.”

Orthanc, however, has its defenders.

“For starters,” says James Dunland, “engineers say it can’t be taken down. Studies show you could apply 1,000 kilo-newtons of force to it and it wouldn’t budge. Some speculate that even Ents can’t yank it down.”

Dunland also points out that Orthanc wasn’t built with any patriarchal intent.

“If it were patriarchal, I’d be the first to vote for it to come down, but it’s not,” says Dunland. “The vaginal-like ring around Orthanc is problematical, but I simply don’t think the Dunedain [builders of Orthanc] had any patriarchal intent.”

Harad and others, though, strongly disagree.

“As long as Orthanc stands,” Harad says, “women in Middle Earth will have no equality.”… Read the rest

Scourging of Shire Scoured from YouTube

Silicon Valley Eye

August 1, 2021

SAN JOSE – A happy ending in JRR Tolkien’s popular story turns out not to be happy after all.

At issue is a chapter known as “The Scourging of the Shire,” in which a band of hobbits (small, half-person creatures) kills and rebels against a group of non-whites.

“Tolkien’s last battle scene promotes aggression against people of color,” said Bonnie Mace, a YouTube spokesperson. “That’s why recent video adaptations of ‘The Scourging of the Shire’ have been removed from the platform.”

Critics disagree with the decision.

“The men who subjugated the Shire weren’t black or brown. They were just men,” said John Kramer, a producer of one of the scrubbed videos. “Tolkien merely said the leader, Bill Ferny, was ‘swarthy’ and said many of the men were ‘Southrons.’”

YouTube disagrees.

“Clearly, ‘swarthy’ and ‘Southron’ imply something different than ‘white,’” said Mace, “so even though most of the deleted videos don’t use people of color in their adaptations, our company policy is to delete them.”

Still, outrage remains, with some suggesting the scourging of the Scourging isn’t related to race at all.

“It’s about COVID,” said Kramer. “The hobbits were told to stay in their houses or get thrown in jail. Instead, they rebelled and killed their oppressors.”

Mace said such an interpretation of YouTube’s actions is absurd, though she did note that the hobbit actors in the video adaptations … Read the rest