Category: Satire

Legolas Canceled for Misappropriating Dwarf Culture

The Rivendell Review

July 18, 1702 (Shire Reckoning)

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

RIVENDELL – Local playboy Legolas has been canceled.

“He’s the worst of misappropriaters,” exclaimed Pat Curunir, President of the Anti-Misappropriation League. “When he’s east of the Misty Mountains, he misappropriates dwarf culture by acting like he’s the lead orc killer. When he’s in Gondor, he acts like he’s one of the [expletive] Noldor, which clearly he’s not.”

The video, she says, is clear in this regard, and many agree with her.

“We have over ten hours of footage,” says video blogger Keel Azog, “showing Legolas taking over the dwarves’ main role in The Hobbit, and then in other circumstances, acting like he’s a high elf. It’s really quite shocking.”

Legolas is a Sindar elf, a descendant of elves who declined to take the Great Journey to Eldamar in the First Age. The Noldor are great elves who undertook the Journey but returned to Middle Earth in the First Age in a crusade of aggression against the indigent peoples of Angbandian Civilization.

“Look,” says Curunir, “I applaud inversion of the dwarf-elf binary, and I hate the Noldor and their power of highest privilege, but that don’t give no one the right to misappropriate their cultures for profit.”

Legolas, it is estimated, has earned enormous sums from the LoTR franchise, possibly as many as 1,000 ounces of gold, 100,000 ounces of … Read the rest

Tolkien’s Beorn New Symbol of the LGBTQI+ Movement

Golden Bear Gazette

July 21, 2021

SACRAMENTO—A huge werebear created by JRR Tolkien after WWII has become the improbable emblem of the LGBTQI+ movement.

“He’s just perfect,” says Bruce Byrnes, local gay community activist. “He’s a bear, but he’s a man.”

Beorn is a fictional character who helps the dwarves in their quest that forms the plot of Tolkien’s The Hobbit. He was a man who transitioned into a bear at night.

“The symbolism is all there,” says Byrnes. “He transitions into a bear at night to kill goblins. The parallel to gay men living straight lives during the day and then trolling the bathhouses at night to find love is pretty obvious.”

Byrnes says Beorn also lived in a superstructure that forced him to anthropomorphize, just like gay men are forced to act straight. “Beorn was a bear, but the power structures of Middle Earth made him appear as a man during the day. He had to hide his bearness under the cover of night.”

“The gay community’s embrace of Beorn is instructive,” says Quinlan Feanor, a philosophy professor at Chico State University. “The father of deconstructionism, Jacque Derrida, promoted undecidables: things that can’t fit into one category, like zombies (the living dead). Beorn is an undecidable, like so many who live on the spectrum of sexuality.”

Byrne enthusiastically agrees. “Beorn is completely undecided! That’s what makes him so erotically luscious.”

“Bear” is … Read the rest