Prima Nocta Is Medieval Myth but Modern Overlords Aren't

Jus primae noctis (the right of the first night): It's when a medieval overlord demanded the first night with a vassal's bride. It was a right exercised when the bride was super hot or the overlord could use the threat to extort money from his vassal.

Few things make the smug college boy giggle like learning about prima nocta. Such customs let him look down on those stupid Middle Ages while at the same time getting an erection and resting smugly in his modern world.

But when one of his modern overlords comes along and sticks a dick in his face, he doesn't even notice.

Our Silicon Valley overlords stick it in our faces every day.

Exhibit BSD: Microsoft.

Microsoft attained overlord status by giving the public what it wanted. Those were halcyon days of the free market. But then it started trying to change what the people wanted. That was irritating but bearable. Now? Microsoft just jams whatever it wants down our throats. The people howl, they beg William Wallace to rescue them, and Microsoft laughs as he walks into the tent with your bride.

I tried to order a non-Windows/non-Mac laptop from Amazon last summer. They didn't have a single option. Every laptop was either a Mac or came with Windows pre-installed. I bought one then paid my IT guy to nuke Windows so I could hire that Braveheart of the PC world: Linux.

You ever try to save anything on your Windows desktop these days? MS tells you to log into your MS account first or it defaults you to the world's most oppressive force since Oprah: OneDrive.

Every freakin' time: dick in the face.

People scream "Get it out of my face!"

Microsoft giggles and wiggles his hips.

All the Valley overlords do the same—required app updates, forced software updates, purposefully obsoleted hardware, password changes. We swat and swat and swat . . . we hate them. They don't care.

Now fly back over the country to the Beltway, where another set of overlords sits.

If Microsoft is Exhibit BSD of Silicon Valley's overlord status, the Epstein files are Exhibit PED of the Beltway's overlord status.

Every person with a few strands of mitochondria knows with reasonable moral certainty that Epstein was a CIA asset, he didn't kill himself, and a lot of powerful men were banging teenage girls.

But those Nabokovian files aren't coming out until they've been redacted like Stalin's photographs and ravished like a medieval Sydney Sweeney on her wedding night.

And the thing is, the Beltway overlords know you know. But they don't care. Whatcha gonna do? Call Ghostbusters? It's pretty much the only option ya got.

We thought Trump would be our William Wallace, but even he can't overcome the overlords. He doesn't want to end up getting disemboweled on that table like Wallace at the end of Braveheart and yelling "Grab 'em by the pussy!"

Prima nocta, by the way, is a myth. If it did exist, it was rarer than a Christian in Redmond, Washington today.