On the Genital Clamp

The young man writhes against it, the middle aged man gradually resigns to it, the old man comes to enjoy it. When life has you by the scrotalia and whimsically whips you about like a beautiful harridan after she breaks a teenage boy's virginity: that's the Genital Clamp. Everything you want to do--aye, need to do, like shoot that round of golf or fail to finish DFW's Infinite Jest for the fifth time--is treated with the respect reserved for a black man at a KKK rally.

The left hemisphere is most robust in a young man and the G.C. foils its plans: he writhes under the its vice-like grip. The left hemisphere starts to mellow in a middle-aged man: he, like Canute walking away from the shore, becomes resigned to it. The left hemisphere downright starts to atrophy in an old man: he nestles into observing and enjoying wherever the G.C.leads it.