Aragorn and the Rangers or Dirty Mike and the Boys?

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New York Gazette

August 28, 2021

NEW YORK—Cultural critics have grown outraged by the portrayal of Aragorn in JRR Tolkien’s Lord of the Ring series.

“It’s pretty clear that Aragorn is homosexual but Tolkien simply refused to admit it,” says Guy Chase, President of the New England Gay Club.

“Aragorn and his Rangers almost certainly vented their sexual needs through homosexual activity when patrolling the northlands after the fall of Arnor,” says Chase.

Some think Tolkien’s Catholicism didn’t allow him to see it.

“I’ll be blunt: Tolkien was a devout Catholic, which is pretty much the same thing as being a Fascist,” says Algernon Roth, literature professor at State College of Newark. “If he weren’t so Catholic, he would’ve realized the characters he created were gay.”

Chase agrees. “All the elements for a booming gay subculture were there. Aragorn and the Rangers congregating at the Prancing Pony? Come on. That’s just one step removed from The Other Guys’ Dirty Mike and the Boys.”

Some expect gay redemption in Amazon’s upcoming Lord of the Rings series that revolves around the Second Age of Middle Earth.

“Amazon’s series is going to emphasize Numenor,” says Chase, “which in its developed stages celebrated sexuality. I think it’s going to get fun.”

Photo by Gioele Fazzeri on Unsplash