Legolas Canceled for Misappropriating Dwarf Culture

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The Rivendell Review

July 18, 1702 (Shire Reckoning)

Photo by Birmingham Museums Trust on Unsplash

RIVENDELL – Local playboy Legolas has been canceled.

“He’s the worst of misappropriaters,” exclaimed Pat Curunir, President of the Anti-Misappropriation League. “When he’s east of the Misty Mountains, he misappropriates dwarf culture by acting like he’s the lead orc killer. When he’s in Gondor, he acts like he’s one of the [expletive] Noldor, which clearly he’s not.”

The video, she says, is clear in this regard, and many agree with her.

“We have over ten hours of footage,” says video blogger Keel Azog, “showing Legolas taking over the dwarves’ main role in The Hobbit, and then in other circumstances, acting like he’s a high elf. It’s really quite shocking.”

Legolas is a Sindar elf, a descendant of elves who declined to take the Great Journey to Eldamar in the First Age. The Noldor are great elves who undertook the Journey but returned to Middle Earth in the First Age in a crusade of aggression against the indigent peoples of Angbandian Civilization.

“Look,” says Curunir, “I applaud inversion of the dwarf-elf binary, and I hate the Noldor and their power of highest privilege, but that don’t give no one the right to misappropriate their cultures for profit.”

Legolas, it is estimated, has earned enormous sums from the LoTR franchise, possibly as many as 1,000 ounces of gold, 100,000 ounces of silver, and at least two mithril coats (each of which is valued at the total price of all land and personal property in the Shire).

“It’s vulgar consumerism,” says Curunir, “which itself is a misappropriation of Numenorean culture.”

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