Consistent with my statement last Monday that I was going to start frequenting The American Spectator site more often, I did and immediately found a great article on McDonald’s by Daniel Flynn.
In short, Flynn isn’t lovin’ it. He notes that McDonald’s lost 2.3% of sales last year and the franchise is beginning to teeter (if not quite totter). He asks, in connection with eating a Quarter Pounder, a valid question:
If you want to feel sick after a meal, why not Mad Dog 20/20? It’s healthier, tastes better, and at least provides a high before the hangover.
But isn’t just throwing darts. He also offers a 12-point “recipe for success.” Here are a few:
1. Don’t hire cashiers with neck tattoos.
2. Restrict morbidly obese customers to the drive-through to create the impression that most of the people who eat there carry around less than 40 percent body fat.
3. Bathe the indoor playgrounds with a blacklight to allow parents to make an informed decision whether or not they should allow their children to play there.
4. Offer up anybody who calls McDonald’s “Mickey D’s” to Mayor McCheese and his confederates for summary execution.
8. Recruit a Jared-like character to trick consumers into thinking a byproduct of daily visits includes weight loss. In replacing the cast of creepy cartoonish characters, this new product pitchman will also provide the added bonus of attracting families scared off by the subliminal sex-offender vibe projected by the clowns and masked marauders representing the brand in the past.
11. Hire Gwyneth Paltrow and Michelle Obama as culinary advisors. Do the opposite of what they say.