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streetsign.jpg3.6 Shades

When a new movie comes out, the ratings at IMDB are at their highest. Everyone’s excited about it; they were the first ones to see a “great” movie; they plug it as a great movie. As time goes on, however, the ratings mellow. The 7.5 rating becomes a 5.8; the 8.2 subsides to 6.1. In my house, if a new movie isn’t getting at least 6 after its release, we assume it’s a piece of junk.

Enter Fifty Shades of Grey: 3.6. With no exaggeration, that might be the lowest ranking I’ve ever seen for a movie upon its release. If you get a chance, check out the IMDB site and scroll through the reviews. They’re pretty foul-mouthed but hilarious.

A few good ones:

“This movie raped my intelligence: This movie is atrocious beyond words, and the first movie from which I’ve ever walked out (an hour and 17 minutes into it). The session was full of giggling middle-aged women, wetting themselves with anticipation – I cannot believe this book and movie has appeal. Are women really so bored, so desperate, that this is what gets them off?”

“Lacks any of the raunch or controversy promised, and is instead tiresome, banal and as thinly plotted as a porn. I haven’t read the book, and I have to say I didn’t finish the movie. I don’t think I missed much by leaving 20 mins early, but it was just boring. If a man had written the book he would probably have been jailed. Its beyond understanding what people see in the book/movie. Unless all the women I know are telling me lies and secretly want to be tied up and abused by a perverted man.”

“You simply can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ear. The book was unquestionably the worst piece of writing I’d ever encountered, so what the hell were they thinking in making this rubbish? Apart from the tedium of the plod (read plot), the script is cobbled together with hollow dialogue, countless use of retch-inducing signifiers and cliché, a complete lack of chemistry between the characters and predictable scenarios and outcomes at every turn. I got the feeling throughout the film that both these actors were desperate to get off the set, go home (but certainly to separate houses), drown their shared humiliation with a stiff drink or ten, and set fire to their contracts. Woeful book. Woeful film. Don’t waste your money on this drivel. There are Fifty Reasons to STAY AWAY.”

“There were people around me laughing. The ones who weren’t left, and from what I found out in the lobby, actually demanded and got their money back. When was the last time you saw people leaving a movie in the middle? I’m not sure I’ve ever seen it, and I’ll guess I’ve been going to movies longer than a lot of you. I lament the loss of artistic soul, of creativity, of going for the best. I miss the days when Billy Wilder was a writer and a filmmaker. What are we left with but a horrible book written on a first grade level and the resulting bad movie.”