The following Christmas article was rejected by a Catholic publisher on moral grounds. TDE standards are more lax, so here goes:
Looking for unique ways to celebrate Christmas this year? I'm not real good with constructive advice, but I'm pretty good with the negative stuff, so I've prepared this list of things to avoid during the holidays:
Don't:
Use lots of black in all your decorations.
Decline to give to charities because it's all part of an elaborate scam to get your money.
Replace all your manger scene characters with Star Wars figures.
Hit on women while caroling at the local old folks home.
Use (i) holy symbols, (ii) characters from a crèche, or (iii) an illegal alien in effigy for a piñata.
Toilet paper friends's houses on Christmas Eve.
Blare “I'm Mr. Heat Miser” from your house all night on Christmas Eve.
Blow off Mass because, you know, it's Christmas and you want to enjoy yourself.
Show up drunk at Mass.
Show up hung over at Mass.
Give your 13-year-old son a carton of cigarettes, condoms, or Cognac and tell him it's from Santa.
Send a call girl to your grandfather for his Christmas present.
Give any of the following as Christmas presents: marijuana paraphernalia, a subscription to Playboy or Maxim, a donation in someone's name to NAMBLA.
Scour the Internet, looking for “Alice Cooper Does Christmas,” “Nirvana and the Season of Joy,” or similar CDs.
Petition City Hall to include Elvis in its multi-cultural holiday display (actually, this one would be appropriately funny, so go ahead).
Try to get McDonald's to open, at least in the morning so you can get a McChristmas breakfast.
Drive around in your SUV, complaining about the commercialization of Christmas.
Use obscenities while karoaking Christmas songs at your office Christmas party.
Use lots of disco lights for outside decorations, along with other night club accoutrements from the 1970s.
Decorate your Christmas tree with empty beer cans.
Hire a female Santa Clause at your kids' Christmas party in order to be “gender inclusive.”
Use marijuana in your Christmas seasonings.
Re-write Rudolph the Rednose Reindeer to make it gay friendly.
Write a book about famous people who committed suicide during the holidays.
Invent spooky Christmas stories for the children: The Year of the Zombie Santa Clause, Rudolph Goes Berserk, Frosty the Drunken Elf Beater.
