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The Story

For anyone familiar with Bureau of Prisons standard operating procedures, Jeffrey Epstein's apparent suicide is more than mysterious; it is unfathomable.

The 66-year-old accused sex trafficker was found dead in his prison cell at the Metropolitan Correction Center (MCC) Saturday morning, apparently after having hanged himself.

The Bureau of Prisons, the federal agency that runs the MCC, has said the FBI will investigate.

It had better.

The Satire

CDC: People With Dirt On Clintons Have 843% Greater Risk Of Suicide

Time To Admit It: The Church Has Always Been Right On Birth Control

Today's injunctions against birth control were re-affirmed in a 1968 document by Pope Paul VI called Humanae Vitae. He warned of four results if the widespread use of contraceptives was accepted:

General lowering of moral standards
A rise in infidelity, and illegitimacy
The reduction of women to objects used to satisfy men.
Government coercion in reproductive matters.
Does that sound familiar?

Because it sure sounds like what's been happening for the past 40 years.

Insert Joke Here?

We've cooled on Polish jokes, in light of the greatness that was JPII and the fact that Poland is one of the last hopes for Europe, but this story seems rife for joke-telling: "The Polish village where no boys have been born for almost a decade."

An Inconvenient Truth

U.S. Soccer Federation President Says The Women's National Team Has Lost $27.5 Million Since 2009