I've gotten some grief for my Catholic Exchange column last week about not being "in love" with my wife, Marie, anymore. Link. In that column, I wrote,
There's a difference between “falling in love” and simply loving someone. I first read about the distinction (ironically, during my honeymoon) in C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity:
"[W]hatever people say, the state of "being in love" usually does not last...and [it] would be highly undesirable if it [did last forever]. Who could bear to live in that excitement for even five years? What would become of your work, your appetite, your sleep, your friendships? But, of course, ceasing to be "in love” need not mean ceasing to love. Love in this second sense – love as distinct from "being in love" is not merely a feeling. It is a deep unity, maintained by the will and deliberately strengthened by habit; reinforced by (in Christian marriages) the grace which both parents ask, and receive, from God.... "Being in love" first moved them to promise fidelity: this quieter love enables them to keep the promise. It is on this love that the engine of marriage is run: being in love was the explosion that started it."
I like to shock people by telling them I'm not “in love” with Marie anymore. When I try to explain myself, they usually reject the distinction between “in love” and simple love, preferring instead the platitudes of Hollywood that preach the need for a constant emotional high.
The complaints I've received pretty much go like this: "It's good to be in love again. Recapture it! Go on a marriage encounter weekend."
I'm going to pass. I agree with CSL on this one: I don't want to live that topsy-turvy experience again. I was scarcely able to handle my limited life chores back in college while I was in love. I seriously doubt I could be "in love" today and provide for eight dependents, much less continue to write, study, and blog.
But lest people think I'm unromantic, I will publicly profess my love for my wife. "IÂ love her." I will also mention her virtues, which are too many to list, but here are a few:
She looks great. When people tell me I'm not as fit as I was fifteen years ago, I tell 'em, "Hey, I've had seven kids." Marie sure isn't using that excuse, so I do. I catch more guys looking at Marie today than I did when we were dating.
So far, she is successfully molding seven children, and doesn't need any medication to do it.
She has a great sense of humor, evidenced by the fact that she thinks I'm one of the funniest guys ever.
She gives. And gives and gives and gives. My biggest problem: She gives so much, I get mad when doesn't do something for me. Her giving is habitual, hence making my taking is habitual (I'm working on it, so don't bother emailing me).
There are more. Many more. But I don't want the post to grow too sappy.
