A new book (Secrets of Married Men by Scott Haltzman) tries to save marriages by looking at it from the husband's angle. WaPo Link. Excerpt from review:
[Haltzman's advice:] Use the male habits and male skills that serve him well at work, at play, in competition, in the field and in other venues where he thrives. View marriage as your most important task, Haltzman urges men, and pursue success as you would anything else that matters. The assumption is it's a lot more pleasant, and the payoffs far greater, to live with a woman who is satisfied, secure and feeling loved compared to one who is none of the above. Make this your job, he says.
That strikes me as pretty good advice. When the "man" hasn't grown up and continues to play like he's still single, problems erupt. It makes sense. If he's the type that still places a premium on basketball leagues, fantasy football, bowling, and poker with the guys, he can't place a premium on his wife and family. A little bit of guy time is expected and good for the man (and therefore good for the marriage), but 30-year-old adolescents are hell on marriages.
I suspect Haltzman's general advice, however, could backfire, if not approached properly. If the husband approaches the marriage as a competition--"something I must win," "something I must succeed in"--he's approaching it with self-centredness, and the approach is likely to explode. Marriage is pure otherness, both with the wife and the offspring of the otherness (hence the problem with contraception). If it's approached with the focus on yourself, you're approaching it like the drunk guy who lit a Roman Candle and held it up . . . backwards, with the popping end pointing straight back at himself.
That being said, the "eight fold path" set forth in the book are "other directed" ideas, so I suspect Haltzman's approach is good. Even if the husband approaches the marriage with an emphasis on "me," if he uses these eight guidelines, I suspect he'll grow into actual otherness (reference C.S. Lewis' chapter, "Let's Pretend," in Mere Christianity).
