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"The Real O'Neals" Simply Points Out that Catholicism Sucks

Executives at ABC are encouraged by criticism leveled at the network's upcoming sitcom, "The Real O'Neals."

"It's not like we say the Pope denies climate change or opposes an increase in the minimum wage," said James Gilbert, ABC head of programming. "So it doesn't go over the top. 'The Real O'Neals' is simply a humorous look at how many Catholic families really live."

Claims from Catholics that the sitcom is offensive because it mocks Jesus Christ, demeans the Virgin Mary, views any criticism of homosexual activity as bigoted, and portrays priests as hypocrites is misplaced, says ABC.

"Look," said Gilbert, "We're just making a comedy that takes a few things for granted, like, Catholicism, as a general rule, sucks. That's nothing new, right? So why the controversy?"

Still, many Catholics plan on boycotting the show, much to ABC's satisfaction.

"Let's face it, we control the media," says Star Lucis, ABC assistant public relations manager. "A boycott just gives the show more PR. And then we have our news branches and our collaborators at the other major media outlets mock the boycotters' position, so ultimately we get a lot of free publicity, the show isn't remotely harmed, and we've taken another step toward discrediting Catholicism and promoting the secular mindset and the sub-mindsets that come with it, like the goodness of homosexuality."

"It's a win-win for good people everywhere."