Brews You Can Use III

Another gem from The Modern Drunkard: The 86 Rules of Boozing. Select excerpts:

3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.

10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.

17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.

22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing–urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.

28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.

29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.

35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.

53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.

55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.

56. Screaming, “Someone buy me a drink!” has never worked.

69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.

71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.

74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.