I don't write many reviews, but this stunner of a movie deserves a brief mention.
Van Helsing may be the worst movie I've ever seen. It's a 135 minute trailer. There is a plot, I guess, or two plots, or possibly five plots, none of which are related and are kind of thrown together for the sake of creating more action. There's the Bible-reading goodness of Frankenstein, the torture of living the life of Van Helsing, the preservation of the four hundred year ancestry of some nobility in Transylvania that wants to kill Dracula so their family can get into heaven, the spawning of Dracula's children that can only be accomplished by torturing Frankenstein (hey, I guess the plots are related!). There's a Budapest Ball (dance), where 300 people suddenly become vampires; I'll probably go to my grave not knowing how it was relevant. There's a chase scene (gotta have a chase scene) as Van Helsing tries to secrete Frankenstein to Rome. The trip is foiled by Dracula's three wives, then promptly abandoned and forgotten. There are also weird locals in Transylvania that appear to be part vampire, part human, and part stupid. And oh yeah: the place where Dracula lives can't be found, it's a hidden ice castle, though it was found by hundreds of villagers at the beginning of the movie. And finally, Van Helsing falls in love with the beautiful and preternaturally-acrobatic Countess at the end, and they kiss.
F-
