BYCU
An advice columnist at the Washington Post ran this sniveling drivel: "My girlfriend has complained a lot every time I make a batch (every two months): She says the kitchen is always dirty afterward no matter how hard I try to clean up, and the smell of the hops bothers her and lingers in the air for days."
Let me handle the response:
Dear Insipidity:
A beer drinker who writes to female advice columnists? I didn't metrosexuals even drank beer, much less brewed it. I don't whether I'm impressed or nauseated, but regardless, I have an answer for you: Point out to your girlfriend that you're in control.
She has put out, so now she can get out, unless she does what you want and tolerates anything you damn well want her to tolerate.
You see, she made a tactical blunder when she moved in without the marriage commitment, and now she's slut-out-of-luck. You have the upper-hand. I realize you're probably too enlightened to see this, so that's why you're writing to female advice columnists about beer, but trust me on this one: she's used and ready to be abused. Take command.
The next time she complains about the smell, tell her to find someone else to whore with, then go back to playing "Grand Theft Auto."
I hope this helps.
Church Key
I used to frequent World Wide Words often. It's a great site. Earlier this week, a TDE reader sent me the entry for "church key." For those unacquainted, "church key" refers to a bottle opener.
[B]eer always came in bottles fitted with caps that needed a special tool to open them (though the more macho or foolish would show off by opening them with their teeth; gripping bottle tops in a vice between door and doorframe was a trick for emergencies, but only when the door belonged to somebody else). The standard bottle opener was made of metal, with a roughly round, oval or triangular open shape at one end to grip the cap.
The shape of the business end of the tool reminded people of the often ornate handles to big, old-fashioned door keys. The link with churches in particular was surely because in the experience of most people such big keys opened church doors. It's also more than probable that an irreverent joke was attached as well, in that drinking beer was an unchurchly thing to do.
PSA
Alright, a loyal TDE reader sends this along, so I'm publishing it: Green Drinks. It's an alcohol-fueled meeting of environmentalists in the Grand Rapids area. I'm not a big environmental-type, but if more people lived like me--walking, biking, gardening, composting, greenhousing--much of the honest green agenda would be accomplished. Of course, my seven children are anathema to environmentalists, but this TDE reader has in the past gone out of his way to voice support for my large family.
