Thursday

Caveman Update

I had my annual physical on Tuesday. The doctor noted that, in the past year, I had lost 15 pounds, my blood pressure had dropped from 108 to 102, and my pulse had gone from "very good" to "athletic." He asked what I was doing, and I explained the Caveman Diet to him.

I also told him that people kinda freak out when I tell them that I've cut out all grains (a "major food group"). He told me that grains are important for the vegetable proteins and carbohydrates, but that, if I'm eating a lot of fruits and vegetables (especially vegetables), a person doesn't need grains. I then poised my jingle to him (without the tune): "Anything grains can do, vegetables can do better" and asked if he agreed with it. He said, "yes." He also didn't have a problem with me slashing back my dairy intake, as long as I was weary of any signs of calcium deficiency.

He also mentioned that gluten intolerance might be the least diagnosed medical problem among white people in American today. Up to 40% of white adults have it to varying degrees. He said the medical literature during the past year has been hammering home the need for doctors to start diagnosing the problem better.

So I plow forward with the Caveman regime. If you suffer minor injuries and ailments that simply don't go away, take a look at it.

Received in an Email

I was at a wedding recently when the DJ announced, "Will all the married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living." The bartender was almost crushed to death.

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger in my rectum. Do you think I should change dentists?

You can say lots of bad things about pedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools.

Just put a deposit down on a brand new Porsche and mentioned it on Facebook. I said, "I can't wait for the new 911 to arrive!" Next thing I know 4,000 Muslims have added me as a friend!!

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the registration desk, "I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled." To which she replied, "No, it's regular people-porn, you sicko."

Good Late Night

"Snoop Dogg endorsed Ron Paul for president. Snoop said he likes Paul's positions on everything from legalizing pot to legalizing pot." Conan.

"A 17-year-old girl is being treated for malnutrition after eating nothing but Chicken McNuggets for the past 15 years. Doctors are describing her condition as 'American.'" Conan.

"The government may be legally required to release the video of Osama bin Laden's killing. President Obama said this would be unhelpful, inflammatory, and 'Could you please release it two days before the election?'" Conan.

"A 100-year-old woman has revealed that her secret to staying sharp is playing a Nintendo D.S. Sadly, no one has the heart to tell her that's the garage door opener." Conan.